Some (most) of us won’t be at either side of the red carpet gawking over celebrities, let alone in a seat at the eternally classic Kodak Theatre for the 88th ceremony of the Oscars, or the “Academy Awards,” as fancier people – people who are probably invited – call it. Instead, we’ll be in front of a tiny screen, compared to the real thing, watching stars act au naturel, as if they are hanging out with, well, regular people, on a regular occasion.

To bury our bitter mood about not being able to give a kiss on the cheek to Meryl Streep, there is an alternative plan in the works for the big night; a down-to-earth event with cheap champagne, unusually large shot glasses with whichever weapon of choice you would want to fill it with, nominee printouts, a dress code, and a close group of invitees – and seriously the person who is in charge of the guest list for the Oscars, inviting that many celebrities for the event is so impersonal. (Cue sarcastic, sour laugh here.) – Here is how the night will go down;

  • Rule #1 – Print out all the nominees of the night. As your unimportant guests arrive, give each a printout with pens, and ask them to pick their winners as you watch haute couture pieces float the red carpet.
  • Rule #2 – Pick three actors/actresses who are most likely to be on camera. We suggest Jack Nicholson, George Clooney and Leo DiCaprio. (Not because they are tall glasses of water, we’re not that girly, we’ll explain why in Rule #3.)
  • Rule #3 – And this is the most important rule. Once the Oscars begin, take a shot every time;

    One of the three actors you’ve picked for Rule #2 appear on camera (the more famous they are, the more likely they’ll be on camera, duh.)
    Someone tells their kid to go to bed during their acceptance speech
    The orchestra cuts off a speech.

  • Rule #4 – The person with the most correct answers from the nominee list gets… We’ll that rule you can finish on your own.

Now tell us, which viewing sounds more exciting, huh?